Thanks be to God

As I sit in my apartment by my self for the second Christmas Eve in a row, I can't help but reflect and think about where I was in my life at this exact time last year. I just got back from a beautiful Candlelight Service at my church and I am overwhelmed with a plethora of emotions. It has often times been a hard year, but more often than that it has been a blessed year for me. It seems appropriate at this time of year that I would be overtaken with some healthy moments of loneliness and darkness, but at other times I can be overwhelmed with joy and blessings. It must have been a similar experience for the Jews 2000+ years ago when they awaited the day of the Savior that God promised to them. The days of captivity for the Isrealites were dark. The feeling of being lost and forgotten by God must have been present. But there was also the reminder of His presence and His promise of blessing.

Last Sunday I was asked to give a testimony before my church congregation. It was a great experience for me to think of this time for me a year ago. I cannot express enough the joy that I have in my life when I think of what God has done, is doing and continues to do in me. I had to shorten it a bit for time reasons, but I wanted to post the lengthened version here for my readers in hopes that some may be blessed by it in some way.


A little over two years ago I entered into one of the darkest periods of my life. With events such as my parents divorce late in my high school days and the accumulated stress each semester at Baylor on how I was going to come up with the money that my scholarships did not cover and trying to maintain decent grades while working a slightly more than part time job, one more stressful event was all I needed to set me over the top. That one more traumatic event eventually did take place and my neat and organized little world that I had worked so hard to maintain crumbled to pieces right out from under my feet.

I struggled to escape the darkness for months. I longed to feel like myself again. I clung as tightly as I could to the promises that God would never leave me nor forsake me, but still the darkness persisted. After more time than I ever thought I could endure in self-pity I decided to try a new approach. I tried to accept the despair that I was in and I prayed for God to meet me in it and walk with me through. Although I knew that I was not alone because God’s promises are good and true I still could not escape my melancholy days.

After a year of futile attempts to leave my dark days behind I finally gave up. I made a conscious decision to no longer try to reach out to God. I made up my mind that if He was not going to respond to my needs, or at least the needs that I thought I had, then I was no longer going to talk to Him or try to have a relationship with Him. It was in this time that I understood faith that is small as a mustard seed; for even though I was turning away from God I was doing it with complete certainty that my time away from Him would not last. I was somehow confident that He would not leave me alone for long and that He would come rescue me soon.

Soon did not come as quickly as I expected it to. Instead my days only got darker. I barely survived through the toughest semester of my life. I lost ability to perform everyday tasks such as taking notes in class and focusing while studying or at work. I even lost the ability to enjoy myself when I was spending time with friends.

More months went by and I got worse. The climax came when I was sitting in my first final for the Fall Semester and I was trying to take a test that I was not prepared for and everything that had been causing stress in my life hit me like a freight train. I was so overwhelmed with all of the things that I had been neglecting my life due to the darkness I was in, it was all I could do to get a few words down on my test paper and get out of the room before I broke down.

When I was able to leave I went straight for the office of a professor and friend that I trusted. She was not in her office so I got in my car and drove to her home, completely uninvited, but I somehow knew that she wouldn’t mind. I knocked on her door several times, but the only result for the disturbance on the dogs. I walked back to my car and unlocked the door just in time to see her vehicle drive up the street.

She warmly invited me in and sat down to listen to the swarming thoughts in my flustered mind. When I finished struggling to get the last of my thoughts out, she helped me realize something important about what I had been going through for over a year. My friend informed me that I was depressed. This thought may seem completely obvious to an outsider, but to the one in the midst of the darkness it is often the last thing that is realized.

I finished struggling through my finals over the next couple of days but it was useless. There was no way I could make up for all of my lost time. I had to accept my D’s along with the loss of most of my scholarships I began to face the fact that there was no way that I could continue at Baylor in the state that I was in. The worst part was that I only had one more semester to finish before I graduated. One more semester! Why hadn’t God rescued me from myself? My questions abounded but I somehow still knew that He had not forsaken me and He was not done with me.

With a heavy heart I packed up the things in my apartment and prepared for a full semester and summer at home in San Antonio with my mom. Four years prior when I had packed up my room in San Antonio to move to Waco I never dreamed I would be going back without a degree. I knew that the degree did not make up my worth as a person, but not having it was a sign that I had failed at something in my life. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to go back to Baylor or not. Even though I had tentative plans to go back in the next fall, I didn’t know if the money would be there and more importantly, if I would be healthy enough to be there.

While at home I found two part time jobs to start saving money and I began seeing a counselor to help me work through the depression that had held me for so long. Oh how long and difficult the road was. Each day presented itself with new struggles, but something was changing in me. I was beginning to see God do the miraculous work that He does so well. I was beginning to crave intimacy with Him once more. These cravings were not of my own doings but I understood them to be God doing what I had longed for Him to do. He was meeting me in my place of darkness and He was rescuing me. The small amount of faith that I had when I turned my back on Him was blossoming.

A year later from that time, hear I am in front of you telling a story that has turned into a celebration in my life. Four months ago my scholarships were graciously renewed on a probationary status and I was able to come back to Baylor. The worst semester of my life was followed a year later by the best semester in my life. I successfully completed my last full semester at Baylor and I am on my way to Truett Seminary in just a couple of weeks. Though I could not see anymore than a day ahead at a time, God faithfully led me through and restored the relationship that I longed to have with Him again. He once again became my Emmanuel. Thanks be to God.