Bring On the Cold!!

My wish was granted. It finally got cold here and I think that the temp may stay below seventy-five degrees until umm....maybe next week. That may be asking too much, but I think it might be possible since it's supposed to freeze tonight. I've been trying to acclimate myself to cold weather. This will be quite a task for me. I was pretty proud of myself the other day when I was with a group of about eight friends who are probably all more warm-natured than I am. We were at Homestead Heritage (a small Menonite community near Waco) and we were outside eating and I was the only one not cold. I'm not sure what was wrong with me, but we were all wearing about the same amount of clothing and they were cold and I wasn't. Maybe telling myself that I am not cold really might work. Let's see if it works when I'm in Boston and it's below zero and the wind chill is about 30 degrees below that. No, it's not set in stone that I'll be there next year, but maybe, (like telling myself I'm not cold,) if I tell myself I'll be there, then it might just happen. Hope so...

Enough procrastinating for the night. One paper down and one more to go. Anybody wanna help me write my paper on pop-culture? Didn't think so. Well, I better get to it then.

On Being Single

This Wednesday I left Waco at four in the morning to have Kelli at DFW by 6:00 AM. I drove another four hours from there to Houston to spend time with my sister and her husband for Thanksgiving. Thursday evening I drove the three hours back to Waco. I love driving. Those drives were actually pretty short compared to other drives I've made, like the ten hour drive from SA to Amarillo last New Year's Day to spend time with Becca and her family. That drive seemed surprising quick, in part due to the amazing sunset I enjoyed. Despite the shortness of each trip this week, all together there was a lot of driving and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. When I am driving by myself I can rid myself of all distractions for hours and just think. Most of the time I like to drive in complete silence (yes, even without music.) I rarely am able to find time alone or in silence which is partly why I enjoy driving so much. When I finally arrived in Waco, I arrived to an empty apartment which remained empty for the next twenty-four hours. I spent the time by myself cleaning and decorating for Christmas.

In the midst of all of my driving this week and time alone in my apartment, I reflected on my enjoying being alone which naturally led to my thoughts on being single. About a year ago, I never would have dreamed of writing this post or anything like it. Most of the times in my life when I have been single I have welcomed it. A little over a year ago, this was not my attitude. My singleness came unexpected and unwanted. The thought of remaining that way scared me. I knew that there had been times when being single was something that was good and enjoyable, but this time was different. This time, the plans I had started to make for my future were affected. I prayed for a day to come when I would be ok with being single and over time the prayer was answered.

When I was in Boston, Kelli and I went to Gordon-Conwell's Friday chapel service. The professor that day preached on the single life. Apparently I'm not the only one around my age who thinks about this (surprise, surprise) and he thought that it was a prevalent topic. He spoke the obvious that we have all heard almost too many times: "Singleness is a gift from God." I wanted to spit in the face of anyone who told me that after a breakup I went through last year. It sounds harsh, but I think those words can sound harsh to someone who has had their life significantly altered and is hurting. I know that the scenarios are different, but I can't imagine what I would do to any person who would have told my mom that the single life is a gift from God after my dad had her served with divorce papers. Those words sound like a hard cold slap in the face to someone in pain. Fortunately, I was not hurting to the extent that I was over a year ago when I was listening to this chapel sermon and I didn't tune him out. There most certainly is truth in those words that can be understood out of the confines of a broken heart.

From his main point of the single life being a gift from God, he went on to point out some things that I had not considered before. An implication from the idea of singleness as a gift is the idea that “the single life is not a wilderness to be endured.” It should not be viewed as a dry time in one’s life or a time when things are going all wrong. There is no fulfillment in life if one thinks that way. This leads to his second point; “the single life is not a curse or an accident.” God has designed purpose within our life and singleness is often a part of His purpose and plan. His third sub point follows from the previous two and it was about the single life being a calling. Often when I think about being called to the single life, I think about that being for a lifetime. The professor suggested that often people are called to the single life even for small periods of time. I don’t know why I had never thought of even a few months or years as a calling.

This led me to think about what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 about his being single. He implies that it is better if one can maintain the self-control to remain single than to marry. I don’t fully understand this, (perhaps, because I don’t one-hundred percent appreciate my single life right now.) I understand that there are many things that someone can do while single that cannot be done while married. For example, my friend Jennifer went on a two year mission trip a few years out of college to Africa. If she had had a husband and children to think about, she would not have as easily been able to respond to that calling. What confuses me though is my own experience in relationships and future dreams for a relationship. I think that two people can engage in a great ministry together that could not be done with just one person. I can see benefits to ministry and following a calling while being single and while being in a relationship, but I don’t see how being single is better as it seems that Paul is implying. (Please correct me if I am wrong in this interpretation.) From my own personal experience, I think that life seems so much sweeter if it is shared with another. I don’t necessarily mean only in marriage, but as the whole body of Christ. The trials of this life seem subdued and less weighty when there is a friend nearby.

My views on being single have significantly changed over the last several months and I’m sure that they will continue to change as God changes me. My acceptance of being single is growing and becoming more than just acceptance. I now view my unexpected and unwanted single life as some thing that I not only accept, but also embrace and enjoy. I look forward to seeing what God will continue to do with my life and the areas that he will call me to as I continue to accept being single and seek His guidance.

Gratitude

As a reflection of yesterday's post, I don't want to sound like I am ungrateful for the blessings in my life. I am well aware of how God has continually provided for my needs. I stil have "wants" though. They are part of what keeps me going. This may sound weird (especially in light of my last post) but I am thankful for the hard times I have encountered in my life. I most certainly would be a completely different person had my parents never divorced and if I had not gone through other hard times. I am not inclined to find some grand purpose or reason for every bad thing that happens, because quite frankly, I don't believe that there is a known purpose to everything that happens. I am inclined however, to try to take the hard or unwanted situation and turn it into a growing and learning experience. I believe that this is what God does as well. In his power He is able and willing to turn an evil in our lives into a time of growth and new understanding about life. This is something that has helped me perservere in hard times.

Here is a song that is quite appropriate for this Thanksgiving Holiday.

Gratitude
Nichole Nordeman

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view
If no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessd beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace ...

But, Jesus, would You please ...

A Bad Case of Nostalgia

I asked my mom for our video camera and all of the tapes a few weeks ago. A song that I sang in choir years ago popped into my mind and I wanted to hear it again, so I had to find it on the tapes. There was one big problem with this. Around 1997 (when I entered high school) we got lazy and stopped labeling the tapes. To find this particular concert I have had to go through all of the old tapes that aren't labled(about thirty) and because of my OCD, I want to go thorugh the entire tape and lable everything that is on it. Though it is quite time consuming it has actually been pretty fun. I've spent a few evenings over the past several weeks when I needed a study break looking at a couple of tapes and labeling them. I'm about halfway done with them but I still haven't found the particualar choir concert I'm looking for. (The song is Jubilate Deo, so if you are aware of any recordings of this, let me know. Sorry, I can't think of the composer right now.)

Despite not finding my song yet, I have enjoyed going through these tapes. It's fun to look back at things like my sister's graduation, Christmases of the past, school projects that I had at my high school, Communications Arts HS, and plenty of other random things like family kite flying on the grassy area by my elementary school. These tapes are a reminder of how fun my family used to be. I remember when I was little, going out every Friday to Showbiz Pizza or the dollar theater or to play put-put. As Bridgette and I got older and busier, our family outings consisted of dinner at Outback after our choir concerts or volley-ball games or award ceremonies. Though we became less intentional about spending time together, we still had a great amount of fun. We had some great family vacations as well. We went skiing as a family on four sperarate occasions. We went to Branson, MO one year and splurged another year on a cruise to the Bahamas before my sister went to college. Several of these family times are on our vieo camera because my dad didn't mind carrying it everywhere.

My life is completely different now. My parents divorced my senior year in HS and it changed everything about me and the world that I live in. I miss the past. I usually try to not dwell on things of the past because it makes me sad and my life is not all that bad right now but it has been particuarly hard the past couple of weeks to not long for the simple life I used to have. I was talking about this with a couple of friends the other day and they thought I was crazy when I said that I missed high school. For them, high shcool and middle school were difficult transitional times that were pretty hard for them. When I look back at middle school and high school, I don't intitially remember them being all that hard. I don't recall any dramtic times when I thought my life was over or where I felt like everything in my life was up to me to take care of. I instead recall all of the fun extra0curricular activities I was involved in, choir concerts and CiCi's afterwards, volleyball games and tournaments, Friday nights at The Quarry or the Huebner Oaks Center, coming home from work and sitting on my parent's bed, telling them how my day went. My mind us full of beautiful memories of the past. I don't think that I am blocking out bad memories. I do remember some bad things growing up, but for the most part, my family and my life was ideal.

Though I think I handled my parents divorce with maturity and a complete reliance on God, it is still hard for me. The holdiays are particularly difficult. I don't have much of a home. I don't look forward to the holidays because I hate going home. Who hates going home? Going home for everyone I know means great home-cooked meals, free laundry, and lounging around the house enjoying good company with little responsibilities. It is not that for me. I go "home" to brokenness. I chose to not go home this Thanksgiving and I am instead staying in Waco to work on two papers. I have tried to not get down about this, but it is extremely hard for me. I have tried to except the fact that my family is not the same, but it is not an easy thing to do. I look forward to the day when I will have my own family and I can invite my parents to my home.

I feel heavy right now. No, not fat...I'd have bigger problems if I felt fat. I feel burdened, as if I'm carrying the weight of the world. I have to do most things in college on my own without the support and help of my parents. In fact, within my family, my sister and myself are the parents. I'm not exagerating or seeking sympathy. My parents have become fairly self-absorbed since their divorce. I don't mean that they don't care about us or that they don't love us. It is quite aparent to me that my parents love me, but they don't know very much about what I go through on any given day. My dad has no clue about how his leaving our fmaily has affected me, and my mom well...that's another post in itself. My sister is really the only one who truly understands where I am coming from on this. It is a strange thing to have what looks like a picture perfect family turn into a broken mess. Thank God for His grace or else I don't think I'd be standing on my feet today.

I hope this post doesn't sound too much like a pity party. I don't intend for it to sound that way. I started out with the intention of writing about my tapes and this is where it went.

Challenges & Growth

I was able to go to the conference this weekend. I dug up the money and Kelli came with me. We were able to go to three plenary sessions and three different track sessions. The first plenary session was Lee Stroble on apologetics. He gave a defense for the defense of the faith. Many people think that apologetics is a useless tool, because no one ever comes to belief in Christ through apologetics. Stroble presented counter arguments for this. William Lane Craig was the first track session we went to. Someone else was supposed to do the session on the Kalam Cosmological Argument but fortunately, Craig did and this was the only opportunity we had to hear him. He presented different theories of how the universe may have come from nothing and then tore them all apart. It would take more faith to believe the theories he preesented and he said that the most logical conclusion is that with a big bang, there must be a big banger. That big banger is necessarily God. Another track session we went to was Francis Beckwith on homosexuality. Beckwith was a great orator. He is very witty and quick on his feet. I have heard him speak at my church before with Greg Koukl on their book Relativism: Feet Firmly Planted in Mid-Air and I enjoyed him as much now as I did then. I wish that I could take a class with him, my last semester but unfortunately, that will be impossible. The whole conference closed with Greg Koukl giving tips on how to use all of the information gained throughout the weekend. He also preached at my church Sunday morning, but Kelli and I had to leave Saturday after the conference. Most of the topics discussed were review for me, but it was still a good review none-the-less. I know I didn't give much info on the actual topics, but I don't think that my readers are as interested in them as I am. If you want more info on it, come chat with me.

Thus far, this post has had nothing to do with the title. I titled it "Challenges & Growth" because being at this conferences, and more than anything else, being around Rob (see previous post) reminds of how much I grew as a Christian when I was under the constant discipleship of Rob. Since I have been at Baylor I have not grwon as much or been challenged as much as when I had Rob in my life for more than just a phonecall a month and some e-mails and snail-mail in between. Rob knows how to get under your skin and lay on a convistion for doing the things you know you are supposed to be doing as a Christian. He knows how to build "disciplined followers of Jesus Christ." I don't know how to explain how he does this. The only thing that I know is that I am not currently being challenged in the way that he challenged me. I know that this is in large part my own responsibility to do. I have to cultivate the discipline inside of me and not always rely on someone else to do it. Rob trained his youth to be spiritually disciplined. It is certainly not easy to sustain this though. I have done my best to surround myself wth friends and a church body that can help me in this growth, yet I still hunger for more. The hunger is never satisfied and it seems like the more I am able to fulfill the hunger, the more I long for it. This is what is supposed to happen though. This is kind of what the title of my blog refers to. In the chapter on Hope, in Mere Christianity, C.S.Lewis discusses the quote on my blog. I'm not going to go into it right now (because I don't have the book with me here at work, so read it soon. Read the whole book. It will change your life if it hasn't already.

Being around Rob this weekend was like a breath of fresh air. I sometimes think that the foundations that I was raised on are so different and foreign to other people that I wonder if I am doing this whole Christian thing the wrong way. I can be very cynical about the way other Christians live their life as if I am the one who has it all figured out. I realize that I still could be wrong about a lot of things but when I get to talk to Rob or am around him, I don't think that I am crazy anymore. I think i'm on the right path.

This post was all over the place, so don't think you're missing something if you didn't understand it. There's not much of a conclusion either...so here is the end.

Rob

I'm so excited because my youth minister, Rob will be in San Aantonio this weekend. Rob has probably been the most influential person in my life. When my dad left my family Rob was the only stable person in my life that I could turn to for support. I have long considered Rob the godly, fatherly example in my life. When looking for a mate, many girls will model what they are looking for after their own father. Though there are a few qualities in my own father that I am looking for, I am mainly looking for someone with many of the qualities that I find in Rob. He has been one of the prime tools in shaping and challenging the way that I live my life as a Christian.

So, Rob is in San Antonio this weekend and I will be as well so I will get to see him for the first time in over a year. If he was my youth minister back home then why isn't he in San Antonio all the time, you ask. Well, a year and a half ago, Rob was called to a church in San Francisco. Though he had repeatedly turned down church offers and remained at our church for nineteen years, this was the second time that the church in SF, (Redwood Chapel,) had called him. Unfortunately, but also fortunately, Rob accepted the call. I say "unfortunately" because, well the obvious: one of the most significant men in my life (and there aren't many) is a thrity hour drive away. I say "fortunately" because I think it was a great thing for Rob. Though it has had it's share of challenges and rough spots for him and his family, I think the church up there appreciates him more than my church at home ever could. To explain that would be another blog in itself, but that's all I've got for tonight. I should be working on Greek right now, anyway.

A Brief Pause

After about five hours (that I know of, it may have been longer) the rain has finally slowed to a pause. I never seem to find myself where I want to be when it is raining. Today when the wind was blowing cold and the rain was coming down in portions of plenty I found myself in one of three places:

1. In it. Walking the fifteen minute walk to class as cars flashed by me, some of them even splashing me and of course none of them stopping to ask if I wanted a ride though we all know that we are traveling to the same place. Then I wonder, would I stop? Probably only if I knew the person.

2. Sitting soaked from waist to toe (because waist-up is pretty much all that could be protected from the rain coming down from the sky and the rain splashing up from the cars,) in a freezing classroom because Baylor likes to show off the fact that they have a lot of money and can run the AC while it's 50 degrees outstide. Personally, I'd be more impressed if they could keep me warm when it's 50 degrees outside.

3. Sitting at work, warm behind the desk (because I can controll the temperature there) and watching the rain fall outside.

Though the third place is not a bad place to be, where I really want to be is in front of my fireplace reading a book of my choice. Uh...that is, if I had a fireplace. Blast!! (I have decided to incorporate "blast" into my vocabulary.) Guess I'm out of luck. I'll try to enjoy the rain from my desk and pretend I'm in front of that fireplace that I don't have.

Sponsors Needed

There is a conference going on at my church in San Antonio this weekend. I'm going to be in town regardless of whether I go to the conference or not because I'm staying in Waco over Thanksgiving to work on some papers that will be due after the break. My youth minister, Rob started this conference, called the Apologia Conference back when I was in high school and I've been to every one since. The first speaker was an apologist, Greg Koukl, and we've had other great theologians like Francis Beckwith (whom my Baylor friends will recognize) and Norman Geisler. As I mentioned, I've gone to the conference since it started but this year, there's a rub. The conference is a little different because it is being sponsored by the Evangelical Philosophical Society which is having their annual conference in SA this year. The list of speakers this year blew me away. Here are some of the people that will be there that I would love to hear speak; William Lane Craig, Lee Strobel, Greg Koukl, Paul Copan, Ben Witherington, III, James Porter Moreland, Francis Beckwith, and Norman Geisler. That is not even half of the list of the speakers. I will enjoy many of the topics this year as well. Ok, I know that you are not as excited about this as I am, but humor me. The rub lies in the fact that my cost of attendence this year will be $55 dollars. I'm not even going to be able to go to the first night and they still wouldn't come off of the price. I can't bear the thought of missing tbis opportunity but I really don't have the money to put to it right now. My priority with money this semester has been getting my car windows fixed and visiting grad school. I really can't afford to stretch my money any further this semeseter. So... all of that to say...ANY DONATIONS? ;-)

New Blog

My sister finally wrote the first post on her blog!! I'm so excited to invite her into the blogging world. Leave her a comment and welcome her.

Dear God...Love, Sarah

One of my favorite musical artists (I have a lot) is Sarah McLachlan. I was listening to my radio station the other and a song by Sarah that I had never heard came on. The title was Dear God. I searched for the lyrics to the song and read along as she sang. Sarah has a lot of passionate music that I enjoy listening to but Dear God was passionate in a different way. Sarah was angry in this song, to put it lightly. Here are the lyrics I was reading.

Dear God,
Hope you got the letter and
I pray you can make it better down here.
I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer
But all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet
'Cause they don't get enough to eat
From God
I can't believe in you.

Dear God,
Sorry to disturb you, but
I feel that I should be heard loud and clear.
We all need a big reduction in the amount of tears
And all the people that you made in your image,
See them fighting in the street
'Cause they can't make opinions meet

About God,
I can't believe in you.

Did you make disease, and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind after we made you?
And the devil too?!

Dear God,
Don't know if you noticed, but...
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book,
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true
Well I know it ain't, and so do you

Dear God,
I can't believe in...
I don't believe in...

I won't believe in heaven and hell.
No saints, no sinners, no devil as well.
No pearly gates, no thorny crown.
You're always letting us humans down.
The wars you bring, the babes you drown.
Those lost at sea and never found,
And it's the same the whole world 'round.
The hurt I see helps to compound
That Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Is just somebody's unholy hoax
And if you're up there you'd perceive
That my heart's here upon my sleeve.
If there's one thing I don't believe in.....

It's you.....
Dear God


The lyrics to this song and the questions that atheists skeptics and agnostics have cannot be ignored. I heard this song and I wondered how I could look at the same world that Sarah looks at and see the same pain and evil around me and yet realize that God is still real and He is still at work in this world. Part of the difference lies in the fact that while Sarah attributes all of this evil to God and His lack of intervention in this world, I instead attribute the evil to the fallen state of man. This answer is not good enough for some people and I can understand why. Logically, all of the evil in the world does not make sense with the idea of it coexisting with an omniscient, omnipotent and omnibenevolent God. This thought already carries some preconceived notions with it reagarding the problem of evil and what humans think God's role should be with evil, but that aside for now, I think that the problem of evil ultimately comes down to faith.

I have read many theodicies and I find many of them to be convincing, but I don't think that those theodicies are what ultimately convinces me to believe in God. Ultimately, faith and my own personal experience is what encourages my belief in God. How do you tell this to an atheist? When someone looks at the evil in the world and says that God should do something about that, how do you look at them and tell them that they just have to have faith. Faith about what? It seems ludicrous from a logical standpoint. I myself have questioned why God won't do something and why He continues to allow bad things to happen, but for some reason I still believe in Him. I have had my world swiped out from under me on two major occasions in my life which caused me to hit rock bottom in my questioning and I too have wondered why these turn of events have happened but I still came out on the opposite side as Sarah. There are countless others that I know personally and through reading that have questioned God's purpose and His will but still come out believing despite not finding answers to these questions.

I don't really have anywhere else to go with this post. This is just something that I thought a lot about the last couple of years and was reminded of it when I heard Sarah's song.

For the Love...

There have been a few relationships and friendships in my life where I have loved the other person with everything that is in me. Inevitably, I have been let down in one way or another in many of these relationships. I have usually understood the reasons for this and I am sure that I have let others down before. When asked one time about a particular relationship that caused pain in my life, if I would fully engage in the relationship again knowing the pain that it would cause, I considered the question and then confidently answered "yes." In all the relationships that I have given as much as I know how to give that have caused some type of pain in my life, given the opportunity to choose to engage in it again or not with the full knowledge of the pain that I would go through, I would still choose to go through it. (Read that sentence again, slowly…It does make sense, though it’s a run-on.) I may be overestimating my abilities in doing this, but I still think that I would give the love despite the pain. I think that this is the closest thing to agape love that I know and understand. I know that it is not fully agape because my motives in the relationships are not wholly selfless, but I think that it is the closest thing I know of.

Why would I go though the pain again? Because that is what relationships are about. I would never be able to engage in a relationship if I avoided all of those that would cause me pain. Pain is an inevitable part of this world and the fallen nature of humanity. I believe that God intends for the church to be lived in community. This seems obvious when one looks at the first church in Acts 2. God knows that we cannot handle life on our own, so He blesses our lives with each other. It is never God's fault that we get hurt, but rather the fault of our fallen state. So still, when asked the question about whether I will engage in the relationship, knowing the pain it will bring to me, I will say with confidence, "yes." I will learn to love others, knowing they will hurt me, and I will probably hurt them.

Disappointment

I’m disappointed in someone. We’ll call this person X. I expected more from X. X always gave more, so I know that my expectations were not too high. X always exceeded my expectations. And then something happened. X’s life got a little out of kilter. It didn’t go the way X had planned and hoped and dreamed and I had to reap some of the consequences of that. That’s ok. I was able to step back and survive those consequences just fine, but then X’s priorities began to change. I can only speculate why this happened. Because X’s course of life was changing X’s priorities change to adapt to that. Because those priorities have changed, it seems like X’s life is off-balance. This is where I expected more from X. X used to be so good at balancing all the things in life. Now most of X’s time is absorbed in a personal goal, which is not wholly a bad thing, but it came at the expense of other things. I don’t know if X can even see that expense. It hurts me to stand back and watch X change in this way and know that there is nothing I can do about it. What hurts is that I expected more from X and I know that X is capable of giving more, but X doesn’t see the need or have the conviction.

I hope that I have not let someone down in this way. I hope that I have surrounded myself with people who will tell me when they expect more of me. I know that I am capable of giving a lot. I know that sometimes a lot is expected of me and I am grateful for that. It stretches me and helps me continue to strive to be a well-rounded person. One of the main things that I struggled with last year was finding balance in all of my commitments in life. I want to give adequate time to my studies, to my relationships, to my family, to my church/ministries, to my personal life, and the list goes on. I know that it is not possible to find a perfect balance to all of these things, but I still try. I have chosen to have all of these things be a big part of my life and I refuse to slack down on any of them. Each of them plays a significant part in developing who I am and helping me to be all that God has called me to be. It will continue to be something that I struggle with for the rest of my life, but I believe that the outcome and the benefits of all of them are worth the struggle and the effort.

Crazy...I know.

I was sitting in church choir practice last night and completely out of nowhere this thought popped into my head. "I want to be in a school choir again. I register for classes tomorrow, so I'll probably see if I can fit it in my schedule." So this morning, I woke up and registered for choir at Baylor. Now this may not sound crazy to you, but I haven't been in a real choir in nearly four years. I wanted to stay in choir when I got to Baylor, but because I had to have a job and take a lot of hours I didn't think that I would be able to handle more in my schedule. This is my last semester at Baylor and now I kind of have some freedom with my time. That is such a strange concept to me. For so long my time has not really been my own. It has belonged to my jobs, my family, my required commitments, my classes that I have to take and don't get to pick and plenty of other things. I finally have a litle bit of freedom in some of that and it feels so good. I haven't had this kind of freedom since early in high school. It's really nice to want to do something and have nothing holding you back from doing it. I think this is going to be a fun semester for me.

The Reincarnations of Kessa

I needed a break from studying Greek today, so I decided to google my name. So call me vain, but if you had a different name, you’d probably do it too. (I bet even some of you who don’t have different names have done the same.) I was glad that I did, because I found out about a bunch of past lives that I have had. I am almost in my finale stage of reincarnation but I have had some interesting past lives. Here they are:

I first entered into this world as a shoe made by Naturalizer. I was kind of expensive and not very attractive at all. Though I was in this life for about seven years, I soon became, worn out and exhausted and my owner decided that it was time to discard of me. Into the dumpster I went and faded out of life.

From there was born the daughter of two pure-bred Harlequin Great Danes. I was born on July 30th and I was bred for temperament, size and type. Check out the pictures from when I was four months old!! I entered into the show ring not long after those pics. were taken. I’m not sure when I passed on out of that life, but it must have been a sad day. My owners were good to me, and I in turn tried to love them and be loyal to them.

I took a step up the ladder and in my next life and I was born New Jersey as a milking cow. This was great because not only could my owners provide for me by feeding and taking care of me, but I could give back to them milk in return for their good will. I also had two daughters, one of whom took my name sake. Take a look at my great milking stats here. Unfortunately, my owners went bankrupt. I still produced a lot of good milk for them, but Oak Farms and other larger companies were just too hard for our little farm to compete with. My owners had a hard time recovering and eventually needed my meat more than my milk. I felt honored that I could give my life for their well-being.

After my life as a milking cow I finally got the honor to be born as a human. My real name was Franchesca, but I wanted to go by Kessa. I was a ballet dancer , but I struggled with an eating disorder. I was able to overcome it and lived a long full life. After I died, my good friend Steven Levenkron wrote a book about my life story and my struggle with Anorexia Nervosa. The book is appropriately titled The Best Little Girl in the World. You can buy my book here on Amazon. He also wrote a book after that as a sequal. It's my self-titled book, Kessa The book also inspired a painting. The idea behind the painting is the different faces that I put on and the ideals that I felt I had to life up to.

I next entered into my current life. You already know plenty about that one. There are a bunch of imposters out there that created blogs with my name such as Kessalicious. But do not be deceived, there is only one Kessa. There is an equestrian camp that has been named after me in this life. I have never been to Kamp Kessa, but I know that it is a great place. They offer a great experience for people of all ages, (mainly youth) and they are about community building and teaching good morals. I was only about ten minutes from it when I went to Wilmore, Kentucky to visit Asbury Seminary, but we Kelli and I didn’t get a chance to stop by. If you are ever in the area, you should stop by and get a horse riding lesson.

I will culminate all of my reincarnations as the great sun Kessa. If you are an avid Star Wars fan you may already know about my existence as a sun. You can read all about my system here. This is also evidence that Mormonism is true. I will become my own god in the next world.

I enjoyed researching my past lives and I recommend to others to do the same.